Sun and Therapy
by Sophia Hawkins
Summary: AU. Set in the 'Violation' story arc. Matt Casey is still seeing a therapist for his attack over a year ago, but he realizes his relationship with her is starting to change.
1. Chapter 1

Sun and Therapy

Matt Casey emerged from the water with a heaving breath, rubbed the pool water from his eyes and opened them. The sun was hot that day and anything not covered by the shade had an almost reddish hue to it. Casey looked down at himself and did a double take. The sun reflecting on the water must've affected how everything looked to him because his skin looked almost purple. He touched his arm and saw the finger marks turn white before returning to a darker shade. The sunscreen he'd put on...he didn't know how long ago, must've worn off. He waded over to the edge of the pool and got out. His feet burned on the tile but he quickly moved over to where he'd set down a towel, and picked up the bottle of 80 SPF and once his skin drip dried and he didn't have long to wait for that in the 90-something degree air, not counting the heat index, he started to apply a new coating of the white lotion to his hot skin.

The back door swung shut loudly and he looked up and saw Rhonda Lind, his therapist and a mutual friend of both he and Kelly Severide, who was a dead ringer for Leslie Shay, coming up the sidewalk out to her Olympic sized swimming pool. He noticed better now than when he'd first shown up that the tall blonde psychiatrist was dressed in a light gray clinging tank top, pale blue capri shorts and a pair of orange sandals and a pair of purple sunglasses, he also noticed she was carrying a couple more towels.

"Having fun?" she asked as she made her way over to the pool area.

"Like I told Severide," Casey said as he picked up and put on a pair of black sunglasses, "it's an interesting therapy session."

"You've been out here for two hours," Rhonda told him, "I'd think by now you'd be burnt to a crisp."

"And starving."

"What do you know?" Rhonda unfolded one of the towels and took out two ice cream sandwiches in their wrappers.

"Thanks," Casey took one, ripped the top of the paper off with his teeth and took a bite. He looked down at his skin and noticed even with the tint of his shades, his skin still looked an off color, even through the thin layer of sunblock.

"I think the sun's fried my eyeballs, am I purple?" he asked.

Rhonda raised her sunglasses and shook her head, "No, just a nice hot pink."

"Explain something to me," Casey said as he continued massaging the lotion into his skin with his free hand. "Why do people pay good money to go lay in a lead coffin and get their skin burnt off, instead of doing this for free?"

"Mystery of the universe," Rhonda responded as she sat on her knees beside him, "my opinion, people have too much free time on their hands. I was always tanned every summer, _not_ because I had time to lounge around on the beach all day, because I was out in the dead heat _working_ all summer. My dad figured if I kept busy enough it'd keep me out of trouble, shows you how little he knew about me."

That got a laugh out of the Truck lieutenant.

Rhonda grinned at him as she added, "But you mow enough lawns and paint enough houses, you don't need a tanning bed."

Casey chuckled and remarked, "I like the way you think." He took another bite of his sandwich and said, "Thanks for letting me use the pool."

"No problem. It was a long winter."

"It was a long flu season," Casey replied. "Four months we're buried under snow, it finally thaws, and I get the flu and can't kick it for six weeks. I about went crazy staying in my apartment."

"Well, incase any of it's leftover, baking out here ought to knock it out of your pores," Rhonda told him.

"No kidding," Casey leaned back and looked up at the sky.

"So how've things been going?"

"You asking as my psychiatrist?" Casey asked.

"Do you _think_ I'm asking as your psychiatrist?" she replied.

Casey snorted, "Now I know why Kelly's always getting pissed off with you, you turn everything back on the patient, don't you?"

"What kind of shrink would I be if I didn't?" she replied with a mischievous smirk. "How've you been sleeping?"

"Fine," Casey nodded.

"How's your social life?"

"Never was great to begin with," he answered.

"And your love life?"

"Don't have one," Casey answered.

"That something recent?"

Casey shook his head. "I...it's embarrassing to talk about."

"That's what I'm here for," the blonde woman told him.

He looked at her and reluctantly confessed, "I didn't go out with any woman after...my attack...for almost 9 months...and there were a few after...over the winter...none of them lasted."

"Any particular reason?" Rhonda asked.

Casey shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know...after a couple dates it just didn't work out."

"Were you intimate with any of them?"

"We didn't get that far," Casey turned away and looked towards the pool.

"Was it an issue?" Rhonda asked.

Casey sighed. "I don't know. I don't think so...but I don't know."

"Did you want to?" she inquired.

"Who doesn't _want_ to?" Casey responded.

"Do you think you were trying to prove something?" Rhonda asked.

He glanced towards her. "I just got tired of being alone. But I'm still alone anyway."

His therapist looked at him and inquired, "Are you strictly speaking romantically or just in general?"

"Kelly's still living with me, but you already knew that," Casey said.

"And how's that going?" Rhonda asked.

Casey shrugged, "Fine."

"Are you two good now?" she asked.

He looked at her and one side of his mouth curled upward in a hint of a smile, "You mean is he caught up on apologizing for everything? Yeah I think so."

"Good," she replied with a smirk.

Casey looked out at the water again, then thought of something and asked Rhonda, "And what about you?"

"What about me what?" she asked.

"Are patients allowed to ask their therapists about _their_ social lives?" Matt wanted to know.

"Not during sessions," she replied, "but this isn't one."

"Well?" he looked at the purple shades concealing her eyes. "I've never heard you talk about seeing anybody."

"And why should I bore you with those details?" Rhonda asked coyly.

"_Are_ you seeing anyone?" Casey asked.

"Not for a good long while," the blonde woman replied, "I know it may not seem like it based on my history with Kelly, but I _do_ have standards."

Casey busted out laughing at her comment and just about fell over from it, as it was he did tip over and fall on his side alongside Rhonda. When he finally calmed down and sat back up, he looked at her and started to say, "Could I..." then stopped.

"What is it?" Rhonda asked.

"Ah, it was a stupid idea," Casey said.

"What?" she persisted.

Casey looked away for a second, and sighed, and answered, "I was going to ask if I could bring you to the next function 51 has, but...that would definitely be too awkward for everyone involved."

"Because I look like Leslie Shay," Rhonda said.

Casey nodded, not proudly. "Sorry."

"I've gotten used to it, Kelly's kept me virtually hidden away from everyone at the station house ever since we met," Rhonda told him. "I stopped in at Molly's a while back...one of them...Otis I think...guy with a big nose and a mustache?"

"Sounds like it."

Rhonda nodded, "He looked like he'd seen a ghost. I'm with you, I don't think they could handle the exposure."

"It's too bad, you could certainly liven up our barbecues," Casey said.

She smiled at him and merely remarked, "Of that I have _no_ doubt."

Casey looked at Rhonda, and he wasn't sure what it was but it seemed to him that they were closer together now than before. It still blew his mind how this woman could bear such a strong resemblance to their own paramedic, and every time he saw Rhonda his first initial thought _was_ that Shay was still alive. But it didn't take long to figure out that Rhonda Lind was _not_ Leslie Shay and could never be her, though had the two ever met, Casey was sure they would've gotten along fine. He almost laughed at the thought of all the crap Severide would be taking off both of them in any given situation.

The sun temporarily went under a cloud and Casey took the opportunity to remove his shades, and waited for his eyes to adjust back to the natural light. Rhonda removed her sunglasses, and for the first time that afternoon Casey actually saw her eyes.

"Rhonda," he said suddenly, not even sure what he was going to say next, but somehow unable to stop himself.

"Yes?" she replied, no indication whatsoever that she knew what was coming next.

Casey paused as he tried to actually think of what he was going to say. "You and Severide...is there any chance of you two getting back together?"

"Not if I have anything to do with it," she answered.

Casey's mind went blank as he tried to think of what he was going to say next.

"Rhonda..."

"Yeah?"

He looked her dead in her piercing blue eyes and asked her, hardly even aware of the words that came out of his mouth, "What would happen if I kissed you?"

For a couple seconds nothing happened, and the tension was thick in the air. Finally, Rhonda's eyes softened, and the edges of her mouth turned upward in a smile, and she answered simply, "There's only one way I can think of to find out."

* * *

Kelly parked his car at the curb outside Rhonda's home, he'd dropped Casey off a few hours ago and had come to get him and take him back home. Rhonda hadn't called, but she seldom did, Kelly just used his own instinct when it was time to pick Casey up. Knowing Rhonda and how she operated, there were no short sessions.

"Casey!" he called out as he headed around to the back. "Hey Casey, it's time to go! Casey?"

The lack of any response surprised Kelly, for a moment he thought maybe Matt was inside with Rhonda, but decided he'd check the pool first, and if he wasn't there, then go inside. He made his way up the driveway and out to the backyard.

"Casey? Casey?"

The pool was empty. But alongside the tile surrounding the pool, Kelly spotted two human shaped lumps under a beach towel, and four bare legs sticking out from under the towel.

Kelly pressed his hands against his mouth to keep from laughing, and quietly crept over to the pool and up to the two unsuspecting lumps. He stood right behind them, and neither moved. With a cat-that-swallowed-the-canary grin on his face, he reached down and loudly popped the owner of one set of the legs on the ass.

"YEOW!" Casey yelped as he shot up and flung the towel off of he and Rhonda, who it appeared had been asleep up to this point. They both turned over and saw Severide standing over them.

"What the hell was that for?" Casey demanded to know.

Kelly rolled his eyes towards the sky and maintained a quasi 'I'm a bad boy' expression on his face as he sarcastically responded, "Sorry, Casey, I thought that was Rhonda."

"Somehow I doubt that," the blonde woman replied as she sat with her knees bent and donned her purple shades again. "What's going on, Kelly?"

"Can I take him home now?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, sure," Rhonda answered. She turned to Casey and told him, "I'll see you in two days, Matt."

Casey nodded as he stood up, "Okay, thanks."

* * *

"Yeow!"

"Hold still," Kelly told his roommate as he tried to apply a thick layer of aloe vera gel to the red and bordering blistered skin on Casey's back. "What the hell were you thinking? You should've worn sunscreen."

"I _did_," Casey replied as he fidgeted around the cold gel being rubbed into his skin. "_Twice_."

"Well, you'll be miserable tonight, but it should be better in the morning," Kelly told him. "If you're lucky the skin shouldn't peel off."

"Thanks," Casey said. He waited a minute, chancing to see if anything happened, and when nothing did he broke the silence, "Kelly?"

"Yeah?" Severide asked as he flipped the lid shut on the bottle.

"You and Rhonda...is that really over?" Casey asked.

"As far as I know," Kelly answered. "Why?"

Casey turned around and shot him a knowing look that seemed to say it all. Severide maintained a deadpan look and said simply, "I don't want to know what happened out there today."

"Nothing happened, not really," Casey replied, "I just wanted to know, is there any chance of you two getting back together?"

Kelly looked at him and didn't say anything immediately, when he finally answered he said, "I don't think so." And it was obvious from both the look on his face, and the tone in which he answered, that this fact didn't necessarily set well with him. Casey had heard Rhonda mention several times Kelly asking her to take him back, he suspected most of those were just her pulling his leg, but now Matt was starting to wonder.

Kelly didn't seem to want to dwell on the question, he told Casey, "Look, Casey, if there's something between the two of you, then I'm happy for you, okay? You have my blessing."

"I really like her, Kelly," Casey said. "I'm not sure when I first realized it."

"Well she's an easy person to like," Severide responded.

There was a pause before Casey told him, "I'm just not sure it's a good idea to be sleeping with the woman who's trying to shrink me."

Kelly made a small sound in his throat and commented, "That definitely _would_ make it more awkward when she starts asking 'How does that make you feel?'"

Casey broke out laughing and reached over to punch Kelly in the side, "You're horrible."

"Hey, I know what it's like being with her," Kelly replied.

"Any advice?" Casey asked.

Severide shook his head, "No...Rhonda didn't start doing her sessions with me until after we broke up, I'm not sure what you can expect."

Casey nodded and remarked, "I was afraid you'd say that."


	2. Chapter 2

Casey went to Rhonda's for his next therapy appointment and took his regular spot on the end of her couch, she sat in a chair facing him.

"So what's on your mind today, Matt?" she asked in her typical therapist tone, no readable emotions whatsoever.

"Us," he answered simply, not having any idea where to go from there.

"What about us?" she asked.

He looked at her and felt like he was about to lose his mind. "I like you, Rhonda."

She smiled at him, still not giving anything away, "I like you too."

"But..." he glanced away for a second, then back at her and asked, "Am I ever going to be 'cured'? Will I ever _not_ have to come to therapy anymore?"

"People leave therapy all the time, Matt, it never means they're cured, it just means they're at a point they can cope with life on their own and can incorporate everything they learned in therapy by themselves," Rhonda told him.

Casey nodded, not in agreement but just to show he was paying attention to what she said. "Have you ever...you ever date a current patient?"

"You know what the ethics guidelines are about that, Matt," she said.

"I know...have you ever dated an ex-patient?"

"No," she answered. "And I wouldn't."

Casey tuned his gaze down towards the floor and nodded.

"But like I told Kelly, you are _not_ my patient."

Matt slowly raised his eyes again in confusion and looked at her.

"Officially, as far as the people who hold my license in their hands are concerned, you are not my patient, I am not your therapist, there is not one scrap of a paper trail identifying you as a patient, there is not a single record of any of our sessions. As far as everybody's concerned, we're just two friends chatting," Rhonda explained.

Casey took this in and thought about it for a minute, and asked the blonde woman, "But do you think it would be a good idea if we _had_ a relationship right now?"

"What do you think, Matt?" she asked.

He thought for a minute what he was going to say, and he told her, "I think if we did...I think I'd love you...but...I think it could also make all this _very_ complicated for both of us...and I can't describe what you mean to me as a friend and my therapist...I don't think you'll ever really know how much you've helped me over the past year, and how much that means to me, and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that, especially if it didn't work out anyway."

"And you think it wouldn't work out?" she asked, still nothing readable in her tone about her own thoughts on the subject.

"I can count on one hand all the serious relationships I've ever been in, none of them worked out...and I notice you never talk about anybody you were serious with...why would this time be any different? And for that I'd risk throwing away everything that's happened since I met you..." Casey slowly shook his head, "If I thought it could actually work out, I'd be willing to try it. But I know how well I _don't_ do in relationships, and I don't want to ruin what we already have...if things went sour between us I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about it at the next session."

That got a laugh out of the psychiatrist. She leaned back in the chair and responded, "Well that is a very logical, rational and selfless point of view, Matt, which indicates to me that you are psychologically in a much better place than you give yourself credit for."

He looked at her and said bluntly, "I think what happened the other day was a mistake, oh," he raised his hand to continue before Rhonda could take what he'd just said the wrong way, "that's not what I was trying to say. I had a great time, and if you _weren't_ my therapist, I would've already asked you out..."

Rhonda watched him as he tried to finish what he was saying, and wasn't able to, and she commented, "I'm sensing a crossroad somewhere ahead, would you care to elaborate what's going through your head right now?"

He paused for a few seconds, then answered, "The first time Kelly brought me here, I wasn't looking forward to talking to a psychiatrist...then I met you, and I still wasn't too hot on the idea, but I was curious...and I still wasn't sure I wanted to talk to you, about what happened, or anything for that matter...but you...it sounds corny."

"Try me," she said.

Casey looked at her, and pushing his self consciousness to the side he said, "You made me feel safe...this was the only place I could come and not have to worry about anybody finding out, what they'd think...I could tell you things I still haven't told Kelly, and I still can...and, I guess...I'm scared of losing that. I don't know what I'd do if our...sessions, suddenly came to an end so we could actively pursue this as a relationship. I guess you'd call it fear of change."

"Change _is_ scary," Rhonda answered without indicating anything either way, "people often stay in a horrible situation because they know what to expect, they dread the unknown, how their lives _might_ change."

"Wish my mom'd had that fear, would've saved all of us a lot of trouble," Casey said.

"When she killed your dad."

Casey nodded. The blonde woman nodded in response and asked him, "How differently do you think your life would've gone if that had happened?"

"She wouldn't have been in prison for 15 years," Matt answered.

"We're talking about _you_, Matt."

"I am...trust me, nobody should ever have to see their mom behind plate glass in a prison jumpsuit, no matter how old they are," Casey told her.

"Did you always want to be a firefighter, Matt?"

"Mostly."

"Why'd you join the academy when you did?"

There was a pause as he thought about the answer.

"Because there wasn't anything else," he said.

"You had no choice but to press forward," Rhonda pointed out. "Going back wasn't an option."

Casey nodded.

"Was it scary in the beginning?" she asked.

"Scary? No, no, but...intimidating...I'm surrounded by all these other guys who want to join CFD, and I know only some of them are going to make the cut, and I know most of them are fully capable of being firefighters, but somebody still isn't going to make it...I never told Kelly, or Andy..."

"Yes?" she inquired.

"...I worried what would happen if for some reason, I didn't make it...where would I go from there?" Matt explained.

"And that's what's called fear of failure," Rhonda said.

"I know."

"But you didn't fail, did you?"

He shook his head.

"Once again, your life changed, but it was for the better, wasn't it?" Rhonda asked.

He nodded.

"And possibly that wouldn't have been the case if you'd had a family cushion to fall back on and weren't _forced_ to jump in with both feet," she suggested.

Casey glanced down and absently scratched the back of his head. "I never thought of it like that."

"If the day comes that my services are no longer required, things will change, but that doesn't mean they'll be worse," Rhonda told him.

"If?" he looked at her.

"Matt, the only person who can decide when you no longer need therapy is _you_," she said. "Whatever happens, you will always have a place here."

He sat up straighter as he considered this, and replied, "but what about-"

"Remember I said officially you are not my patient, on the record we're just two friends talking...so what would stop you, if we _were_ involved...from coming here every so often and just unloading what's on your mind? Same as we're doing now, what would prevent that from happening?"

Casey wasn't sure how to answer.

"But what would happen when-"

"_If_ things didn't work out, so what if they didn't?" Rhonda shrugged her shoulders. "They didn't work out for Kelly and me and we're still on very good terms, and he's still coming around weekly for me to pick at his brain. We are both intelligent and mature enough that we know how to be civil when a relationship goes bad, because that's just a fact of life, most relationships do fail, sometimes it's nobody's fault, it just wasn't meant to be...but that doesn't mean one isn't worth pursuing just because it might _not_ work out."

"Uh..." Casey looked down again and hesitantly said, "Can I ask you a question? Why _did_ you sleep with Kelly?"

"I thought you'd ask sooner or later," Rhonda said, noting his small embarrassed laugh. "Well we'd known each other for a couple months and we'd gotten very close during that time, and we both thought it was worth seeing if it went anywhere, and for a while it did, but..." she shrugged, "just one of those things that doesn't work out. Nobody's fault, we just weren't meant to be together."

"Two months?" Casey choked on a laugh, "I admire his restraint, that's got to be a record for him."

"Is that a problem for you?" Rhonda asked him.

"I...don't know, actually," he answered with a helpless shrug. "I keep looking at him, wondering...does _he_ want you two to get back together?"

"He has his moments," she told him. "But he knows things wouldn't go any better between us now than they did the first time. We're better off where we are now."

"But he would know," Casey replied, "and what's he going to think about it?"

"Is what Kelly thinks that important to you?" Rhonda asked.

An uncertain sound escaped from his throat as he tried to answer, "Neither of us ever hooked up with the other's ex, this is uncharted territory...I mean...yeah, I guess so...he's my best friend, he says he's okay with it but he wouldn't be honest if he wasn't and you know it."

"Oh I know," she responded, "fortunately I've known him long enough to read between those lines. Did he say anything about the other day?"

"Only that he doesn't want to know the details," Casey said.

"That's not an unreasonable request," the blonde woman answered. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Casey shook his head.

"Okay, now I have a new exercise for you," Rhonda said. "I want you to tell me about your friends."

Casey squinted one eye questioningly. "Why?"

"In the year plus that you've been coming here, I've noticed you always say 'Kelly and I did this' 'Kelly and I did that'...I want you to tell me about your other friends," Rhonda told him.

Casey was silent for a minute, then asked, "_What_ other friends?"

"That's what I thought," she said. "You're not as close with the others at 51, House 'family' but not friends, right?"

Matt scratched the top of his head. "I never really thought about it. Off shift we all have our own lives."

"I also noticed," Rhonda said with a sly hint of a smirk, "you always talk about the _guys_ at 51...do you have any women friends on or off shift?"

"Uh...no," Casey shook his head, as if just now realizing it for the first time. "There's this one paramedic, Sylvie Brett...but, no, we're not close or anything."

"And no other women?"

"Not really...not since Heather Darden left Chicago."

"And you were saying something the other day about still being lonely?" Rhonda recalled.

Casey looked at her, not sure where she was going with this.

"I think your problem, Matt, is you need a _female_ friend before you go looking for a new _girlfriend_," Rhonda told him.

"You mean you?" he asked.

"I mean a woman you're comfortable being with, and around, who you can hang around and do normal things with, without the pressure of a relationship," she said.

"That's you," Casey said, hardly missing a beat. "I'm sure you have a whole list of disorders that probably apply to me for this but, there really are _no_ other women in my life, not now, not for a long time."

"And when was the last time you actually _looked_ for a woman to have a platonic relationship with?" she asked him.

"Uh..." Casey thought, "Hallie, after we broke up, before we got back together...it was pretty one sided but I thought...I guess that doesn't count since I was hoping somehow we'd still get back together."

"Were you close with Leslie Shay?" Rhonda asked.

Casey shook his head. "Not really, _nobody_ was as close to her as Kelly was."

"So I've noticed."

"Okay, question," Casey looked at her, "say that there _was_ something between us..."

"Okay," she replied, waiting for him to continue.

"Knowing...all the details of what happened and what I've been through," Casey struggled to connect the words as he looked at her, "Would that...would it complicate things?"

"Do you think that's why none of your previous dates have worked out?" Rhonda asked. "Because they might find out what happened?"

"Maybe...I don't know..._would_ it be a problem?" Casey asked. "I mean, would you be able to look at me and _not_ see...what was done to me?"

Rhonda leaned forward in her chair and looked him in the eyes and told him, "I don't see it now, Matt, and I know as much about what happened to you as you've been able to open up about."

"You know as much as Kelly has been able to tell you about," Casey corrected her. "He brought me here for a reason, he had to have brought you in on what was going on before we ever showed up."

"And I _still_ don't see it when I look at you," she responded. "What happened to you was horrible, Matt, but it doesn't take anything away from who and what you are."

He was silent for a minute before he told her, "It feels like it did."

"I know," she said.

"Every time I think I'm finally over what happened, what Cardoza did to me...something happens and it all comes back..."

"And you're worried if you actually become intimate with a woman that something will trigger a flashback and ruin everything," Rhonda pointed out.

"Sounds stupid, right?" Casey said.

"Not at all, anybody who's gone through the same thing knows what it's like to hesitate that first time with someone again, unfortunately it's really all very normal," she explained.

"But after this long?" Casey asked.

"There's no clock on how long it takes to trust people again, Matt," the therapist told him. "Everybody does it in their own time."

He looked at her uncertainly, and finally asked, "And us?"

"I think you'd benefit more right now from a woman friend than a date...and it still keeps the door open for more to come of it later on," Rhonda said. "A lot of relationships started off platonically, and if nothing else comes from it, that's okay too, isn't it?"

"I suppose so," he answered. "But so...what happens next?"

"What do you _want_ to happen next?" she replied.

"I don't know," he answered honestly.

She offered a small smile and said simply, "Well, that's the good thing of _not_ being in a relationship, there's plenty of time to figure it out."

He looked at her curiously. "You think it could work? I mean...you don't think it's already too awkward?"

The blonde woman shrugged and remarked, "All we did was kiss."

"Yeah, but..." Casey felt a flush of heat rise in his cheeks as he remembered it. He couldn't stifle the small smirk on his face as he told her, "It was a hell of one...and it's been a long time since I even got _that_ far with a woman." His hands gradually found their way to his face as he groaned, "This is embarrassing."

He felt a hand on his arm, he lowered his hands and looked at Rhonda, who smiled reassuringly and told him, "That's why I'm here. You know from the last year that the only way to deal with something that's embarrassing is to talk about it with someone."

"Meaning you again," Casey said.

"Would you rather talk to Kelly about it?" Rhonda asked.

"I don't think Kelly's old enough to hear this conversation," Casey told her.

The two of them had a good laugh at that.


	3. Chapter 3

"So..." he looked at her, "how does this work? What are the limits to where this goes as friends?"

"If you near a line, I'll let you know before you cross it," Rhonda answered. "In the meantime we can go at whatever pace you're comfortable with."

He thought about that, and responded, "Yeah but...I mean...like, would we go out and do stuff or...just stay here..."

"Like a dirty secret?" Rhonda asked.

"I feel bad that I can't introduce you to any of the guys from 51, I keep thinking once they got to know you it wouldn't be as awkward, but I just don't know if they could get past how much you look like Shay...and it feels like I'm ashamed of whatever relationship there is between us."

"But you know that's not the case, Matt," Rhonda told him.

"But it still feels that way," he replied.

"This is still new, Matt," she said, "once the newness wears off you might change your mind, again, there's no rush for anything."

He jokingly scowled at her and said, "That's how all you psychiatrists get rich, stringing people along to more sessions all the time."

She laughed.

So," she said, "do you have any thoughts on the subject?"

Casey was silent for a minute and looked at her, then to the side, then the other side, as he considered her question.

"Well?"

"There is something," he said. "I've been coming here for over a year now, and either I or Severide and I both use your pool all the time."

"And?" Rhonda asked.

He looked at her and asked, "Do you have a swimsuit?"

* * *

Casey folded his arms against the tiled edge of the pool and looked on in mild amusement at the sight of Rhonda padding out to the pool dressed in a shimmering orange one-piece swimsuit. As he looked up at the blonde woman he could feel that he was smirking like an idiot but he couldn't help himself, nor could he at the words that came out of his mouth. "I like it."

She told him, "You better get over to the other side."

Matt didn't know what that meant but he retreated halfway across the pool, and watched as Rhonda took a few steps back for a running start, and charged towards the edge of the pool screaming, "Cannonball!"

The petite blonde woman made a killer splash as she hit the water, and even as far away as Casey was and even though he was already drenched from head to toe, he found himself re-soaked from the impact, he half turned so most of the water hit his back, and turned back laughing, but he saw Rhonda hadn't bobbed up in the water. He treaded through the water and looked and saw Rhonda standing on her head on the pool floor. Matt sucked in a breath and dove under the water. The chlorine burnt his eyes but he looked down at Rhonda as he approached her and saw her holding her breath and waving at him coyly. Casey grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to the surface where they both loudly sucked in a breath of fresh air.

"So," Casey said as he caught his breath, "you come out here often?"

Rhonda smoothed back her bangs and rubbed the water out of her eyes and answered as she folded her arms against the tiling, "I've put about 10,000 miles on this pool, come out here late at night when I can't sleep, thinking about the patients I treat and the problems they're going through."

"I don't envy your job," Matt told her. "I can run into a burning building and pull them out...I wouldn't want to have to try and put them back together."

"I don't," she replied. "I just give them the tools to do it themselves."

He looked at her for a minute and didn't say anything, just took in what she'd said.

Before he could dwell too long on the thought, Rhonda splashed him and said suddenly, "Race you to the end of the pool!"

"Hey!" Casey lunged himself forward and swam to catch up with her.

* * *

Casey laughed to himself as he used his towel to sop up the water dripping off his hair and down his face. "That was fun."

Rhonda wrung her hair out and sat down on her towel and replied, "Yeah, we'll have to do it again sometime."

"Can I ask you something?" Matt turned to her. "Do you and Kelly...ever..." he nodded back towards the pool.

"Most of the time when he comes here alone, he comes here to _be_ alone," Rhonda answered. "He'll talk to me, but if he comes out here to clear his mind, he's not generally much for company. So far you're the only real exception to that."

Casey didn't know what to make of that little revelation. She must've seen something in his expression because she said to him, "Look, Matt, nobody's denying this is an awkward position you're in, but Kelly and I have been over long before he ever introduced you to me, he knows where we stand, you don't really think he's going to have a problem with this, do you?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, "I just...I don't want to see anybody getting hurt. You've talked to Kelly, you know what went on with Heather Darden."

"And I know he didn't sleep with her," Rhonda responded. "I also know he wanted to."

Casey did a double take and his eyes got huge at that revelation. "What?"

"Of course out of respect to Andy he kept his distance, but we both know Kelly's track record with women, he doesn't do platonic very well and most of those don't last for very long," Rhonda said. "Leslie Shay was the main exception, and I did sleep with him so even though we're at a platonic state now, I don't technically count."

The wheels were slowly starting to turn in Casey's head, "So _that's_ why he was so pissed off at me."

"Of course you have to understand that Kelly never admitted that in any of our sessions," Rhonda said.

"What?" Matt looked at her.

"He never said it, but I could tell, the look in his eyes when he talked about her...that's more than just his best friend's wife," she explained. "Possibly he can't even admit it to himself, in his mind it would be betraying Andy. You know in Biblical times it was expected if a husband died, his brother was supposed to marry the wife and tend to her and the children, they still had a father, the wife still had a husband..."

Casey squinted one eye at her, "You think that's what was going through Kelly's mind?"

"On some subconscious level it's definitely possible. You know him, Matt, under all the one night stands and drunken hookups, you know as well as I do that he _wants_ to find the right woman and get married and start a family. Even if it wasn't his own by blood, he wouldn't let that stop him if he thought it was the right one," she told him. "Again, things he'd never admit even to himself, but that doesn't mean they're not stored away in there somewhere. So, Heather avoids him like the plague, she comes to you, his subconscious fantasy is shattered..."

"And he blames me for it," Casey said.

"Kelly is a very complex person, Matt, and between you and me, that mind of his is bordering on a garbage heap. It's taken this long just to pick it to the point I have, but to do that I've had to sift through a lot of rubbish," Rhonda told him. "All the stuff that he thinks doesn't have any bearing on anything, it does, all of it does."

She looked him in the eyes and said suddenly, "I knew about Shay, he told me about her plans to get pregnant, and I know that she died before they could go through with it. And I know the conundrum it was for Kelly, the _one_ woman in all of Chicago he wanted since the day he met her, she's living under the same roof as him, and he couldn't have her, then suddenly she opens the door to make it possible." Her eyes shifted towards their corners and she added, "Don't think I'm not aware of what was going through his subconscious when _we_ were together, of course I didn't find out about all that until _after_ we'd broken up. It would've been very awkward sleeping with him and _knowing_ at the time about Leslie's proposition, and knowing he's transferring those unresolved demons to exorcise onto me because I look exactly like her."

Casey looked at her curiously and couldn't stop himself from asking, "Would you still have slept with him if you did know?"

Rhonda paused, half closed her eyes and shrugged as she responded in a nonchalant tone, "Probably. Like I said, we didn't rush into it, I'd had time to figure out what he was like, and at the time we seemed compatible." She returned the inquiring gaze and asked Matt, "Does that bother you?"

He shrugged uncomfortably, "I really don't know. What does it say about me if it does?"

"That you're normal," she answered.

"And if I say it doesn't?" Casey asked.

"You're still normal," Rhonda answered. "There is no one size fits all reaction to anything, Matt, you know that."

"I know...and I know this shouldn't bother me, you two were over years ago...and Kelly seems to be alright with this..."

"But you remember what happened with Heather Darden and you think the same thing's going to happen now," Rhonda said.

Casey looked at her. "It's stupid, isn't it?"

She smiled at him and shook her head, "It's very natural, Matt, you remember what happened back then and you don't want what happened between you and Kelly back then to happen now. Unfortunately he has a habit of being very easily triggered under just the right circumstances."

Casey nodded, "And there never seems to be a shortage of what will set him off. The easiest ones to identify, question anything he says or anything he believes in, like the whole Rice ordeal, or..."

"Come between him and a woman he thinks he's close to," Rhonda added.

Casey nodded again, "Yeah."

She smiled at him and told him, "It's what you want to do, Matt, but if you're worried about hurting Kelly's feelings, don't be, he knows what's going on, and he's already made it clear he's okay with it, right?"

"Yeah...I just...I don't want anything going wrong," Matt said.

"That's why we're not rushing into anything," Rhonda replied, "you can put the brakes on at any time, but I think you should at least see where you _want_ this to go."

He looked at her and thought about it for a minute, and slowly nodded.

"Uh...would it...would you...is it..." he knew he was getting nowhere fast and just forced the words out, barely able to hold them together, "would-you-like-to-go-out-sometime?"

The blonde woman smiled at him, "I would...and if you're open to suggestions, I have an idea."


	4. Chapter 4

This was a switch, usually when Casey had a date he was the one picking the woman up. He nervously adjusted his tie as he stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind him. He saw Rhonda's car parked at the curb and saw her behind the wheel looking his way.

"I wasn't sure how to dress for this," he admitted, nervously grabbing at his tie and bumbling like a teenager on his first date, "I wore a tie."

"I see that," Rhonda responded as he got in. "I don't know about the audience but you should blend in perfectly with the entertainment."

She pulled away from the curb and as they left the block, Casey leaned back in his seat and asked her, "So do you go to these things a lot?"

"About once a year when they actually roll around," the blonde woman answered. She turned and looked at him and asked, "You've never seen a silent film before?"

"Nope," Casey shook his head, "I always thought they were boring."

Rhonda chuckled and told him, "Believe me, you won't, of course a live orchestra can make a huge difference, so do the sound effects."

Casey nodded, not particularly in agreement, just to keep the ball rolling and asked the therapist, "Do uh...do a lot of people go to these things?"

"It varies," she answered, "they usually get a decent sized crowd though."

"Gotta admit, it kind of sounds like something Otis would go to," Matt said.

"I think I met him once, at Molly's," Rhonda said, "Kind of heavyset, black hair and a mustache?"

"Yep, that's him." Casey did a double take, then he remembered the night in question, Otis stumbling around like a zombie, looking like he'd seen a ghost, and Rhonda seated at the end of the bar looking at him. "Did you talk to him?"

"Just to order," she answered. "The more I think about it, I'm convinced it's best if nobody else from 51 ever finds out about me, I don't think they could handle it."

"I don't think they could either," Casey admitted. "I mean you're not really anything like Shay, but..."

He glanced over at her. Yep, 'look like you've seen a ghost' was a very fitting term to describe looking at her and comparing her to Leslie. He kept that thought to himself and just leaned back against his seat and most of the rest of the drive was spent in silence.

* * *

During the drive back, Casey pressed his feet against the dashboard as he leaned back against the seat and stared up at the car ceiling and laughed at the top of his lungs, accompanied by the guffaws and chuckles of the woman sitting beside him driving, they'd been much the same way since they left the theater. Casey's laughs reached higher and higher decibels than the ones before until at one point there was no sound coming out of him as he writhed around in his seat.

"Oh man," he said as he finally found his voice again, "I've never seen anything like that before in my life."

"I told you," Rhonda said with a smirk just barely containing her own laughter.

Casey tried to say something else but his voice broke into another laughing spasm before he was able to compose himself and asked Rhonda, "And-and y-you come to these ev-every year?"

She nodded. For some reason that made Casey throw his head back against the seat's headrest and laugh again. They'd spent the last two hours listening to live music, as well as an array of sound effects including a relentless duck call, as they watched an assortment of old comedy shorts with Charlie Chaplin trying relentlessly and fruitlessly to get to the top of the stairs after a night of drinking, Laurel and Hardy in a graveyard trying to dig up a body and continuously scared back over the gate, Buster Keaton and his wife trying to build their own home with sabotaged blueprints so the end result looked like something the 3 Stooges would make, Harold Lloyd as a country doctor treating truant children, poker addicts, and scaring a houseful of fortune seekers, and somebody called Charley Chase hired to tend to a rich man's dog, and getting his signals crossed and instead trying to walk and bathe the dog's owner. By the end of each film, Casey thought they'd have to call an ambo because it sounded like most of the audience couldn't breathe, himself among them.

"Oh...oh man," Casey pulled himself together to form actual words again, after a few minutes he finally seemed to get a hold of himself, and he commented to the therapist, "Goes to show what I've been missing all these years. Why did I think these were boring?"

Rhonda turned her head and smiled at him and commented, "Hey, if you want to expand your horizons, you ought to come over to my place at Halloween, I've got a whole collection of silent horror movies, mad killers dressed up like cats and bats, vampires, sleepwalkers, skull faced phantoms, all great stuff."

Casey looked at her, and a thought occurred to him and he asked her, "And...has Kelly seen them with you?"

"Oh he _loves_ them," Rhonda answered, "He can yammer on through the _whole_ movie and never miss any of the dialogue."

A small laugh escaped from Casey, "I guess that _would_ be an upside." He stared at the blonde woman and told her, "I really had a great time tonight, Rhonda, thanks."

"Don't mention it," she responded, "I'm thrilled to have somebody to go with."

The next thing Casey knew they were pulled up to the curb outside his house. He looked at the house, then at Rhonda and said, "Well this is awkward."

"You just pull on the handle and the door opens," she ribbed him.

"Not that, I mean do I..." he gestured to the two of them, "Or do I just..." he turned and gestured towards the sidewalk.

"That just depends on what you _want_ to do," Rhonda told him.

Casey thought about it, and decided, "I've had a really great time tonight...so I think I'm going to end it here while it's still good, before I do something I...we both might regret tomorrow."

"It's up to you, Matt," she reminded him.

He reached for the door handle but before he got out, he leaned over and lightly kissed Rhonda on the cheek.

"Is that okay?" he asked.

She smiled at him and answered, "It's fine."

* * *

Kelly was waiting for him when he came in the door.

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"Oh, it was very interesting," Casey answered as he undid his tie. "When you and Rhonda were together, did she ever drag you to one of these silent film festivals?"

"Yeah, we went once," Kelly answered, "As the first show ended, the smoke alarms went off and everybody had to march single file out into the snow until they could figure out that it was a false alarm. Took half an hour to get everybody back in for the next film. Didn't do much for my interest in the whole thing."

"Well," Casey said as he undid the dress shirt he'd worn to the show, "I had a good time."

"Glad to hear it."

Casey found himself looking towards the floor for a minute. He looked at Kelly and asked him, "This really isn't awkward for you?"

"Why should it be?" Kelly asked. "Rhonda and I have been ancient history for a long time, and I love her and all, but I know she hasn't exactly been pining away for me to come back. And I know I'm throwing stones here, but I wouldn't be surprised at how many guys have come after me."

"Oh thanks a lot," Casey said, "This was awkward enough for me just thinking about _you_ being with her."

Kelly laughed at his response. "I'm sorry, but we're all adults here, we should be able to handle this."

"I hope so," Casey replied, "I'm still not sure how I'm _supposed_ to be taking all this in. I like Rhonda, and I've had a great time with her, but every time we're together, I keep thinking of you two." Kelly looked at him curiously and Matt elaborated, "Everything we do, the first question that comes to mind, did you guys do this too? What was _that_ like? How does _this_ compare?"

"You're overthinking it, Casey."

"I know I am, I can't help it. I don't want to blow this, Kelly."

"You won't."

"How do you know?" Matt asked.

"Because I know you, and I know Rhonda, and I know there's nothing you _could_ do to blow it."

"How can you be sure?"

"She put up with me," Kelly said by way of explanation. "If she could do that, you should be a breeze."

"But you two broke up."

"That's not the term I'd use," Kelly responded. "We just realized one day we weren't that compatible."

"But you thought you were."

Kelly nodded, then said, "Then we found out we weren't. It wasn't the end of the world, Matt, we get along great now as we are."

"And it wasn't awkward?" Casey asked.

"Well everything with Rhonda's a _little_ awkward," Kelly remarked cynically, "You have to have realized that by now, but that's just how she is."

Kelly saw Casey just blankly staring at him, and finally asked, "What?"

Casey blinked, trying to drive away the image in his head of Kelly sleeping with Rhonda as a way of chasing Shay's ghost. He should've known, and he guessed in some way he _had_ known that that was a contributing factor to Kelly's initial interest in the woman. He couldn't help wondering if the breaking point in their relationship was when Kelly realized all he _would_ be doing was chasing a ghost if he stayed involved with Rhonda.

"Matt?"

He blinked again as he realized Kelly was talking to him. He looked at Kelly as he came into focus in front of him, Kelly had a puzzled look on his face.

"You okay, buddy?"

"Sorry...I don't think I can get past how awkward it is, Kelly. I just...I don't think I can. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to hurt you."

Kelly did a double take at that, he'd opened his mouth to say one thing, maybe to ask a question, instead what came out was, "There's nothing you could do that would do that."

"You don't know that," Casey shook his head.

"Matt, you're looking at this too hard," Kelly told him, "You need to calm down."

"I'm trying. I'm trying, but this is new territory for me."

"I know," Severide responded, "but you're doing fine."


	5. Chapter 5

"Kelly?" the distant voice whispered to him, "Kelly, are you awake?"

Severide groaned and rolled over in the bed and buried his face in the pillows, "Wha's it?"

He heard the springs creak in the mattress as Casey's weight was added to the other side of the bed, in a slightly louder voice, but still a whisper, he asked, "Kelly, can I talk to you?"

"Wha'bout?" Kelly wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, but he wasn't going to completely shut Matt out.

"I need to talk to you," Casey said, "Wake up."

He felt fingertips gouging into his back and he grumbled and rolled over, it took a few seconds for his eyes to open, "I'm awake, I'm awake..." he looked at Casey, "What is it?"

"I need to explain about earlier."

Kelly groaned and started to roll over again, Casey grabbed his arm and forced him back to look at him.

"What is it?" Kelly asked.

Casey got on his knees and hovered over Kelly and looked him dead in the eyes. The two looked at each other for a couple seconds before Casey told him, "You and Rhonda got me through the worst time in my life."

Kelly blinked. He hadn't been expecting this.

Casey sighed, "You were the only two people who made me feel safe after what I went through...you'll never know what that meant to me...that's why I don't want anything going wrong and either one of you gets hurt in this."

"Matt..." Kelly wasn't even sure what to say, he shook his head, "You don't have to worry about that."

Casey didn't seem to hear him. "I don't know what I would've done if it wasn't for the both of you."

Kelly gave a small smile and tried to sound assuring as he responded, "You would've been fine."

"I don't know," Casey shook his head. He finally moved from hovering over Kelly to laying beside him on the bed and stretching out.

"Kelly, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure, what is it?"

Matt looked at him and asked point blank, "Do you think any less of me after...I was raped?"

Kelly's eyes widened at the question and his bottom jaw started to drop. He quickly recovered, and shook his head, "I could never think less of you for anything, Matt, you know that."

"You mean it?" Casey asked hesitantly, "You don't think any different of me?"

Kelly was quiet for a couple seconds, then admitted, "I guess I would say differently."

He saw Casey's eyes close in a slight wince and saw his mouth drop open to suck in a breath to prepare for what was coming next.

Kelly told him, "You were always one of the strongest and bravest people I knew, especially working in the fire department, that's no small feat...but because of what you went through, you're _the_ strongest person I know."

Casey's eyes opened wide in confusion and disbelief.

"What?"

"Matt, I could never have gone through what you did," Kelly said, "I don't know what I would've done if I'd been in your shoes."

Casey sighed as he pressed his head against the pillows, "Every so often I think about what would've happened if Cardoza had actually shown up at court that day...what if it actually went to trial? Or worse, what if they decided there wasn't enough evidence for a case and he walked?"

He was so caught up in what he was saying, he didn't notice the way Kelly was looking at him through the corner of one eye.

"I know as a firefighter I shouldn't say this, because it's my job to save people's lives, but it's just so fortunate that somebody killed him," Casey said.

"Yeah..." Kelly replied, "somebody did everybody a favor, you and the taxpayers."

Matt sighed again as he absentmindedly moved closer towards Kelly's side of the bed and told him, "I keep hoping one day I'm going to wake up and this will all be over, and I'll be normal again, and I won't have this following me around the rest of my life...it sounds stupid, doesn't it?"

Kelly was quiet for a moment, then answered, "Well, I want the same thing for you, I don't know I'd call it stupid...optimistic maybe."

A small laugh escaped Casey before he confessed very somberly, "I'm scared, Kelly."

"Of what?"

"Everything."

Now it was Severide's turn to laugh. "What're you talking about?"

"_Everything_," Casey repeated, this time he moved over enough that he was pressing against Kelly's ribs, "I'm scared I'm never going to have a normal relationship with a woman again, I'm scared to find out and I'm scared what'll happen if I stop trying. I'm scared I'm going to screw this whole thing up with Rhonda, and I'm scared what it's going to mean for us if I do."

Kelly reached over and placed a hand on the back of Casey's head and kneaded his fingertips against the blonde lieutenant's scalp, "You are so cute when you're being overdramatic."

"It's not funny, Kelly."

"Alright, just, explain to me, what about this whole scenario has you so freaked out," Kelly said. "You know Rhonda."

"I know," Casey replied, "And I like the way things have been between us, but now I'm starting to think I want there to be something more between us, but I don't know what it is. I'm scared to find out how far it'll go."

"Why?"

"Rhonda said my problem is I need a _female_ friend instead of a girlfriend, this is supposed to be platonic, go slow...what if I want more than that?"

"Does _she_ want more than that?" Kelly inquired.

"I haven't asked her, I can't ask her that."

"Why not? It'd be easy," Kelly said.

"What if she says no? What if she says yes?" Casey asked.

Kelly looked at him through one half open eye and asked him, "Was all this going through your mind earlier tonight when you were at the show?"

"No, it was great...it was fun...but by the time we got back here, it felt like the end of a date."

Kelly blinked and had an amused smirk on his face, "Maybe the problem is you never learned what a good date _was_."

"I had a great time with her tonight, but there wasn't anything romantic about it, but when we got back, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to kiss her or not."

"So what happened?" Kelly asked.

"I did...on the cheek."

"Hey, it's a starting point."

Casey reached over and slapped Kelly on the arm, he just laughed in response. Matt thought for a minute, then told Kelly, "When we left tonight though, I felt like an idiot, like I was back in high school getting ready for my first date."

"That would explain the tie."

Severide's remark earned him a punch in the shoulder, he just laughed again.

"I _want_ this to work, Kelly, I'm just not sure _how_ it's going to work," Matt said. "And the part I still can't get over is that you two used to be together."

"And what makes that such a problem?" Severide asked.

"What if you two are supposed to get back together?" Casey asked.

Kelly was silent for a moment as his eyes widened slightly as he took the question in. Casey tensely awaited the answer.

"If that was going to happen," Kelly said, "It would've happened already...I love Rhonda, in different ways at different times, but-"

"Kelly...why _did_ you two break up?" Casey asked, quietly, as if he was afraid of what the answer might be.

"Serious questions, huh?" Kelly asked teasingly. He groaned as he moved back against the pillows, "I really don't know...after a while it just felt like there was something missing...and I guess the feeling was mutual."

"So what happened?"

"Not much, actually," Kelly answered, "Whatever was missing when we were together..._wasn't_ missing when we were just friends, we seemed to get along better then, like...suddenly we had more in common than we did when we were sleeping together."

Casey pressed his head against Kelly's shoulder and absentmindedly draped his arm around Kelly's back and clung to him.

"You okay, buddy?"

Casey nodded once, "Oh yeah, just fine..."

Kelly knew that tone. "What is it?"

Casey slightly tightened his hold on Kelly without seeming to realize he was doing it.

"What do you think Rhonda sees when she looks at me?" Matt asked.

"What do you mean?"

"The first thing she ever knew about me was that I'd been raped, and that's what she's been counseling me on for over a year now...do you think that's what she sees when she looks at me?" Casey asked.

Kelly remembered some of his own conversations with Rhonda when he first took Casey to see the therapist. He shook his head, "No, I know it's not."

"I know I'm overthinking this," Casey sighed, "I can't help it, I just want everything to go right, but I don't have any idea how that should be. Kelly...what if I actually want to be in a relationship with her and she says no? What if it's not possible?"

Severide was quiet for a minute, then answered, "At least then you'll know, then you won't have to worry about it screwing up what there already is between you two."

Casey didn't say anything in response but Kelly could tell from looking at him that he was processing that thought.

"Think you can go to sleep now?" Kelly asked.

Reluctantly Casey nodded.

"Kelly."

"Yeah?"

"...Can I stay here with you?"

Kelly tiredly laughed, "That's what I had in mind."

The sheets rustled as Casey pulled the covers back enough to slip under them, he pulled them up tight and turned on his side next to Kelly.

"Good?" Kelly asked.

He felt more than saw Casey nod.

"Good, go to sleep."

There was silence for a moment, suddenly and unexpectedly broken by Casey's comment, "I love you, Kelly."

Severide turned over and looked at him with wide eyes, after a second he responded, "I love you too, buddy, now to go to bed."


End file.
